I’ve never had a client who wanted his or her death to cause a fight and lasting enmity among heirs. In fact, what we all want is for our families to get along, even grow together, and have each other after we are gone. We especially don’t want to see the assets that we worked so hard to save be spent on lawyers in a family fight.
All too often, however, that is exactly what happens. I’ve seen families end up with bitter feelings that will never be overcome. I’ve seen huge chunks of an estate wasted on litigation.
To head this off, it’s helpful to think about why families fight. In my experience, families fight because absolutely all families have some members who have developed hurt feelings over the years. These feelings may even go back to early childhood.
All of the hurt feelings are activated and magnified by the emotional difficulty of losing a loved one. Suddenly, we are back in the story that: “She always loved you better”; “You’ve always gotten more than your share”; “You’ve bossed me around since I was born”; and “I knew that the [new wife] would take away what should have come to his children.”
The other reason that family members fight is that, in our culture at least, money and things are seen as a substitute for love and esteem. We are devastated that mom left a younger sister the diamond ring that we always believed would be ours. We are furious that dad changed his will to leave his son 40 percent and each of his daughters only 30.
So what can we do to try to avert this disaster?
The first thing I recommend is that families be open about money. My parents were from a generation that never told children anything about money. Not only can this create a shocking
surprise when the will is circulated, it can also make gathering up and dividing assets according
to the will or trust very difficult for our heirs.
The next thing is to treat children as even-handedly as possible. Unless you have a good reason that everyone would agree on, show your children in death that you loved them all equally.
If you have one child who is handicapped, fine. If you want to give one child more because he or she hasn’t been successful, think about it. How will your children who have worked so hard to be successful feel?
Consider letting your heirs divide your personal property, your “stuff,” according to what they most want. Children can draw straws for who goes first and then take turns choosing the pieces that mean the most to them.
If you have a lot of things, they can be divided up in groups according to value. Sentimental things can be in one group, items with a value up to $1,000 can be in another group, etc.
Don’t use your will or trust as a way to try to control the behavior of your family. It’s time to give up the illusion that you can control other people.
To sum it up, you need a plan for what you want to happen to your personal property and your other assets. You need to put that plan in writing. If you have reasons to treat your heirs unequally, now is the time to explain those reasons. You should not change your will, or threaten to change your will, to get the behavior you want.
You love your family. The number one goal of your plan should be to bring your family together, not to divide them, after your death.
When I was a litigator, my motto was: “Living well IS the best revenge.”
Now that I help families plan for disability and demise, my motto is: “Hurt no feelings in death!”