By Barbara Moss
Published June 13, 1991, The Tennessean
This is the article I wish someone had written 15 years ago when I began combining career and parenthood.
I had my first child in 1977 when I was a third-year law student. When I started into the private practice of law, I had no close friends who were in my situation. No partner in my firm was a member of a working couple. The word “stress” was not a part of my everyday vocabulary.
By 1980, when I had my second child, I should have known better. My mother says that having a second child is like trying to drown when you know how to swim. In any case, I have now been a parent and a lawyer for 15 years (and a single parent for the last six). I have survived, sometimes cheerfully and sometimes less so, according to the following principles:
1. Recognize your priorities as a working parent in Tennessee.
As a parent, your No. 1 priority is not one that you “set” for yourself: it’s a given. You must raise your child or children to functional adulthood to the best of your ability. You can only prioritize how you will use the time and energy you have left over.
Try not to feel apologetic for having an overwhelming priority that may sometimes conflict with your work. You are caught up in the preservation of the species, and Mother Nature is not to be denied.
2. Buy as much good help as you can afford.
Good, reliable childcare is essential to your peace of mind. Don’t scrimp here.
3. Network with your friends.
Combining parenthood and a career generates an endless number of problems for which there are no built-in solutions. You may have wonderful childcare arrangements, but what do you do when the daycare center calls at 10 a.m., your child is running a temperature and must be picked up?
Contact your friends. If you are lucky, you will know someone who has made it a practice to keep lists of people who are willing to help out for pay. If not, your friends will still have great suggestions, lists of babysitters, knowledge of others in your situation who can trade off favors, etc.
4. Ask for help.
As a working parent, you will be faced with situations where you can’t do it all yourself.
The solution is to ask for help, and I don’t mean just your dearest friends. For example, you will be surprised at the people in your workplace who will be glad to help you.
5. Use as many time management skills as you can muster.
Organization is the key here. If you can talk on the phone, hold the baby, and stir something on the stove at the same time, you’re well on your way. Fill in the time you would otherwise spend waiting.
In my own mind, errands are the biggest impossibility of life as a single parent with a career. I keep detailed lists so that I can get everything I need on the first trip, and I try to combine as many errands as possible for each outing.
6. Don’t underestimate Mother Nature.
You were not meant to concentrate fully when your child is ill or your childcare arrangements just fell through. After years of trying to swim upstream, I’ve found that times such as those are best spent devoted to your child or to solving the problem.
7. Remember to feed yourself.
It is incredibly easy as a working parent to ignore your own needs. If often seems that there are not enough hours in the day to take care of the basics much less those “frills.” If you don’t take care of yourself, however, what type of role model are you for your children?
8. Work for change.
When you feel like your life is all but impossible, remember the other working parents out there. Some of them don’t have the resources, bargaining power, or career flexibility that you have.
9. Try to keep your sense of humor.
Shortly before Christmas last year, my younger daughter, Rebecca, announced that she had to bring to school the next day food from the country of her ancestors. I went to the pantry, pulled out the tortilla chips, and said, “Here, your ancestors were from Mexico.” Rebecca and I had a good laugh.